Accepting work with boys

• Self-reference
• Background: Socialisation of boys and work with boys
• Why work with boys often does not “work”
• Approaches to accepting work with boys

My connection to work with boys is primarily based on my own intensive examination of becoming and being a man, as well as my interest in the changing development of men and masculinity in our society. Especially at this time, I consider it necessary for men in particular to show more responsibility for the well-being and development of boys, who in our ‘fatherless society’ – without male role models at home, in nursery school or in primary school – have few opportunities to identify with men in a real way and thus develop a positive, masculine self-image.

In 1994/95, I participated in a large-scale survey (using questionnaires) of boys in school, which was conducted by the Institute for School Development Research at the University of Dortmund. We were particularly interested in the 1,760 male pupils from Dortmund aged 13-17, their relationship to feelings and physicality, their relationship to their parents, friends, girlfriends, what they understand by friendship, what image they have of themselves, girls, what role models they have, etc.

This gave me further insights into the world of boys, independent of my own history. In search of my own approach, I studied literature on male socialisation that I considered important and looked at different approaches to working with boys.

Why work with boys? – Background…

A central aspect of critical men’s studies and emancipatory work with boys is the recognition that boys and men are denied their bodies and their selves. Their bodies should only be available to them ‘as instruments of power, conquest and struggle, but not as pain-sensitive, sensitive and, above all, pleasurable areas’ (Michael Schenk).

Due to the absence of fathers and male role models in their childhood and puberty, they cannot develop their male gender identity directly – through imitation and idealisation of their father – but only indirectly. This ‘dilemma’ can only be resolved for boys through double negation: “I am not like my mother, who is a “non-man”. So I will become a “non-non-man”.”

With the devaluation of girls and women, “feminine” characteristics such as caring, cooperation, empathy, etc. must also be suppressed and devalued. A “man” is someone who feels nothing and shows no emotion, who can endure the greatest pain without batting an eyelid, etc.

But this development is ambivalent: early childhood needs for tenderness, fusion, devotion, etc. are still present, but may no longer be lived out. The emerging feelings must be repeatedly suppressed or acted out in a sublimated form. Boys and men are driven to externalisation, striving for cultural achievements, professional success and career, which become the focus of their interest. Here he can now prove that he is a real man: “I am what I achieve”.

In the worst case, the consequence of this development is a man who is constrained by a role, lifeless and unfulfilled, with no awareness of himself. Deep down, he is helpless, but he is not allowed to feel it. He is now “the bearer of a role that makes him appear privileged, but at the cost of giving up everything that would make him privileged” (Michael Schenk).

Why work with boys often doesn’t “work”

Many approaches to working with boys, whether feminist, anti-sexist or anti-chauvinist, are deficit-oriented. Boys’ behaviour is undesirable and considered destructive. So the focus is on “re-education programmes” designed to bring about behavioural change. This is a laborious undertaking that prioritises the wishes of the educator and ignores the needs of the boys. Later, the same educators complain about how difficult it is to work with boys. The problem is the negative attitude with which they approach the boys. If you don’t accept boys as they are, they will notice and refuse to cooperate.

Approaches to accepting work with boys

Acceptance should come first. In order to empathise with boys, it is essential to examine your own biography and your own masculinity. Boys need men who are interested in them, who listen to them. Men who exemplify their – perhaps “different” – masculinity, whom they can rub up against and argue with.

Why are boys the way they are, what is the significance of their behaviour? What do they really want, what is their potential, what are their deeper needs and desires? And what prevents them from realising their desires? Due to their socialisation, most boys are limited in their possibilities. However, the other, unlived side, the so-called “feminine” aspects and characteristics, are not originally feminine, but androgynous and fundamentally accessible to both sexes. They do not need to be trained, but are already present as potential and can be uncovered. This opens up new possibilities for feeling, acting and being in the world.

Numerous media can be used, such as role-playing, collages, video, painting, etc., to explore gender-typical role behaviour, images and role models of boys, men and housework, fathers and sons, love, relationships and sexuality, etc. in an enjoyable way.

Nevertheless, in addition to direct, topic-related and reflective work, I also consider physical and play-based approaches to be useful, which do not always explicitly address the topic of boys and men, but do so implicitly. After all, work that is strongly focused on intellectual understanding does not reach the whole person, who, as we know, is also determined by unconscious images, motives and drives.

Dream journeys and relaxation techniques, free association, developing imagination, playing, cooperating instead of competing, perceiving spaces instead of conquering them, gentle and mindful physical contact, caring interaction with one another, experiencing solidarity, group empathy and a sense of responsibility for one another can all be elements of such work. Empathy with girls, their world and gender roles, gaining insights into male and female spheres of life. Aggression is not suppressed, but perceived in its dual nature: on the one hand as a destructive force, on the other as life energy that can be used meaningfully and enjoyably. The intrinsic motivation of the boys is the driving force behind such work and should never be ignored: what might they enjoy? How can I arouse their interest? How can I challenge them?

The aim of such work is to open up new possibilities for boys – and to support them in forming a powerful, masculine/human identity that is based neither on the exclusive emphasis on cultural achievements nor on the devaluation of girls and women, but derives directly from the ‘self’ and integrates personality traits that have hitherto been considered feminine.

Lutz Pickardt in Dortmund, 16 June 1997